A new year doesn't reset.

Coming back to North Park this semester, I really thought it would be easier.
Easier to wake up
Easier to care about classes
Easier to face the hurts of last semester without wanting to instantly curl up into a ball
Easier to be there for others
Easier to balance everything

It hasn't been.

And at the risk of going into an emotionally destructive rant about why it hasn't been easy: I will cut to the chase.

The next year is plagued with patterns that cant be relived, revived, or restored.
The next year is going to be full of my memories. And that leaves a void.

So far, that means that I feel really empty. Really really really empty.

But being empty means getting to filled.
And so from here on out I want to be more mindful of how I am filling myself with good, instead of bad. We'll see.

It was just nice realizing that while the milestones have passed; the little moments almost hurt more. And that isn't bad, it just means I still have more to mourn. And I have to let myself do that.