Dear friends,
This last month has been hard. Between failing an exam, waking up at 4 am unable to breathe, and feeling as though everything is about to fall apart--I have been struggling. I live in an apartment with my three best friends and we have all been struggling.
But, in the last two days redemption has happened in unimaginable and blessed ways.
On Monday, I woke up and began to cry. I was so overwhelmed. I wanted out.
I texted my pastor and set up a meeting, I knew I couldn't keep going on how I was. As soon as I was in her office everything came out. I hated the way living in the apartment felt--it was hostile, unwelcoming, a felt alone. And I hated what I was doing in school. I hated Arabic, I hated my major, I hated that I was pushing myself down a path that three years ago seemed perfect and now seems forced.
There's a lot of dimension to this and so I'm going to break it down in a way that helps me process and perhaps helps you to understand as well.
I'll start with the living situation and how that came to be resolved:
All four of us carry a lot of fear with us.
Fears of being alone, of not being loved, of doing the wrong thing, of not loving others, of never getting married, of failing academically, of futures....breathe. It's a lot of force constantly pushing down on us. And those fears began to manifest themselves in spiritual torment. It tore us apart. I honestly began to hate the women I am living with.
Which is absurd. I love these girls.
So last night as we all accumulated after jobs and study sessions and activities, we began to identify the demons in our lives. The demons of fear that were causing us to hate each other and to hate our home. We prayed. I honestly don't think that I have ever prayed such a genuine prayer before in my life. We cast those demons out of our house and invited the Lord back in and instantly the room was full of peace. We laughed and celebrated and drank cocoa. And it was home again.
Now the only reason why I was able to do this, was because what had really been plaguing me since June had begun to be resolved.
I hated what I was majoring in. And that was especially difficult because this was the major I had been declaring my identity in since my sophomore year of high school. And this was the life path that I had been pursuing since I was two. Seriously. But now, at 19 I was realizing: there has to be more to life than this.
As I sat in my pastor's office on Monday I sobbed that I didn't want to let the people in my life down. I didn't want to feel like the last 19 years of my life had been a lie, or a waste or that I was suddenly going to end up doing nothing but mothering 13 children on a farm in Arkansas...breathe.
She looked at me, with more empathy than I have ever received from anyone, and told me to mourn it. "Mourn it like a baby that died", she told me. Because then I don't see it as a waste. I don't see it as a lie. But instead I can start to understand it as something good, that just wasn't ready for the world. As something that did have a life, but that life was a bit shorter than expected. For 19 years I have been a global studies major. for 19 years I have wanted to save those in occupation, and wanted to love those who needed love.
I still want that. And those desires will live on until I am 85 and rollin' in a wheel chair.
I am just realizing that those desires are not synonymous with spending the rest of my life outside the country. I am realizing that I also want a family.
I want lifelong relationship with the people around me.
And the path I was going on didn't allow for that.
So. As of today, October 16, 2013. I am a Sociology and Conflict Transformation Major.
And I am blessed to know that I am still following the will of God, and I am still pursuing a life which advocates for the least of these. Now, I am just able to do that anywhere that God leads me.
Doing this has also given me the freedom to choose the activities I am involve in. No longer do I look at MESA or the upcoming Bethlehem trip or studying abroad as things that I "have to do" because they are major requirements. Instead I get to do them because I am passionate about them.
No longer do I have to feel trapped in a minor that I feel stressed and overwhelmed and frustrated by, instead I can say "let's figure out this Arabic thing," and one of my options is to let it go. To celebrate the life it had, but to be able to say "it is finished."
I am at peace. And God is with me.
Praise the Lord.
